Relationships
I think I now understand why we psychologically need companions. There are obviously other factors that come into play in this situation such as the need for growth as a person, sexual satification and that’s all I can think of. I believe ultimately that the most long-lasting and overall need that we need fulfilled is the fulfillment of loneliness.
We as humans are constantly seeking social interaction or at least long for it. I believe the most crippling problems that humans face are those that cause us to not be able to interact with others. The introverts and extroverts are both seeking the same thing through different means, true vulnerability and trust with another human. We obviously seek this through friendships (which sometimes are and sometimes are fleeting) and more specifically relationships. And I believe that the most appealing thing about marriage to me and most people is that we get to spend our lives committed to a person who is willing to listen to us. Through this what I believe to be ultimate commitment we say, “I will be there to listen and be with you no matter what.” I know that I specifically feel lonely when any of my roommates are gone for a day or more and at that point I go to seek refuge in other people or in ways that take my mind off the fact that I am lonely (Alcohol, movies and television or a combination of the three) and I am slowly realizing the true value in commitment, specifically a life-long one.
I don’t mean to sound depressed, even though I am at times. But it’s hard being a human being that longs for the comfort of another when the others I try to seek comfort from (roommates and other friends) are not always there and so I often feel alone. And not spatially alone but alone in the universe. Kind of depressing I know but I am being honest.
That’s all I have to say, I hope you read this and enjoy (even though it’s depressing)
I am a boy in a man’s body
I am scared of what life has to offer
If I am so able to secure myself in lifeless solidarity, how am I not able to take a leap of faith?
I’ve shut myself down
I don’t know how to feel
Will someone or something please return me to a place where I don’t reel from an opportunity to create something meaningful?
Is there no one that can save me from this place?
My bitterness shines through at this time.
I don’t even want to go to god with this
I’m too embarrassed. I’m too afraid that he will the rug from beneath me again and send me spinning, falling into a place where I have to find my ground.
And I’m sick and tired of not having anyone around to speak to about this matter that is important to me.
This hell that I was not intended to see.
I’m shut off, closed down.
I’m not content, though my actions say I am. I’m just too scared to jump off the cliff and see what happens.
Concussion Day
Today I had a quiz for a sight-singing class. I naturally wanted to practice a little bit so after arriving at the parking structure at my school, I took my book and started practicing while walking. Apparently I am unable to multi-task early in the morning because I hit my head on the stairs in a very Chris Farley fashion. I almost fell to the ground while two older women walked by, I don’t think they laughed at me, though I wouldn’t blame them for it. After uttering a couple of curse words I went to class ready to sing in front of my teacher. As my time to sing grew closer I started to notice that I was not feeling to well; specifically I was feeling nauseous. This feeling instantly indicated to me that I might have a minor concussion (I know this because I have had two) so I sat waiting for the other symptoms to arise (tunnel vision and vomit). I took my quiz, which I think I did well on, and proceeded to talk to my teachers about the predicament I was in. I was advised to go to the health center but I figured that if I was going to feel like garbage I didn’t want to do so on a paper-covered hospital bench, so I went home. I also know from my past experiences that a person can get through a minor concussion without going to the hospital; all it takes is patience and the ability to stay awake (because apparently you can die if you fall asleep). I went home and stayed awake for a few hours, expecting the tunnel vision and vomiting, but it never happened, so I took a nap. I woke up feeling a little out of it and starving so I went and ate 1570 calories at Island’s in Fullerton. Then I came home and did nothing. I have never written a blog entry like this. Is this what I have come to? Talking about my day? It obviously has come to this, but I am going to change that soon. Creativity.
Logical Schizophrenia
I don’t like that it is easier for me to open up to a computer than it is to one of my actual friends. I understand the logic of my fear in opening up to someone that actually has a face. A face that I can read reactions off and see the emotions behind what is being said. I think mostly I don’t like the end of the conversation that involves me being vulnerable enough to take in the loving criticism that people in my life have to offer. There is a side of me that wants to change and there is a side of me that doesn’t. There is a side of me that wants to hold on to the drinking, smoking, buying what I want when I want, but I know it is not the way I should be living. But it’s easy for me to do that because it is comfortable. Even writing on this blog is comfortable for me, because I can edit what I say and how I say it and don’t have to initially worry about what people think of it or what they would say in response to what I am saying. I don’t like being an open person and I don’t like adhering to what others say. But the other half of me knows that I need to be open to those conversations. I suppose if I ever grew comfortable with doing that then it would be different, but as of right now, it is uncomfortable, and thank God there are a few people that I trust enough to break through my walls. Thank God I had the experience in Estonia, but I know I have gone back a few steps from when I got back. I’m not trying to be self-loathing because I don’t want to get stuck in that spot, hating myself for what I could have been. I know that I’m where I’m at for a good reason and that there is a lot of room to grow. It’s basically just easy for me to justify not trying to make that growth. Honestly a big part of it is that I don’t feel that I am capable of it, which has been a lesson I have been learning lately. I have been slowly learning that I am capable of things that I never thought I was capable of, and that I enjoy these things. Things like singing songs in German and Italian has been something that I never thought that I would do, and what’s awesome is that I am finding out that I am actually kind of good at it. Who knew. Not me, I didn’t know. Anyways, I am tired so I am going to stop here. Hopefully my english teacher enjoys this. Thanks by the way for making me write more often, I truly enjoy it.
We are immortal
Technology is really irritating sometimes. I hate that a technological error can cause so much loss. I just finished typing this awesome response to a C.S. Lewis quote for my English class, only to have my computer lose all that I typed because I was not connected to the internet. I kind of want to punch my roommate for not informing me that I need to switch networks, because then I wouldn’t be trying to get down 100 words by midnight, which is in seven minutes.
My original idea was on the basis that every person, even the dullest, most unnoticeable person that we know could be a creature that we would be tempted to worship, or a creature so terrible that we could only possibly encounter something so terrifying in our worst nightmare. It is an interesting thought, and I think it makes me reconsider how I view others, specifically how I treat them. To know that my actions can have the importance of driving one of these “immortal creatures” to be extreme good or extreme bad (in the end) adds a whole to importance to the way I treat others.
I hope this is 100 words.
A writing about writing
Last week I started school. I enrolled in English 100, which I am taking for the 3rd time at Fullerton College. I enjoy the class because it is a more “free-form” class. Our writing in the class is not writing that encourages us to stick to a specific form or a set of rules, though like all fine arts there are guidelines, but guidelines are necessary, otherwise we would live in a world of Chaos, which we all know is not completely true. Anyways, we are required in this class to write on a blog, and because I already have one, I am using this one for the class, so I have to write in it thirteen times in the next semester, the end goal for me with this assignment is that I would continue to write and be encouraged to do it more by the very practice of it. So here I am, a beer in hand, writing about writing because I couldn’t think of anything else to write about.
I like writing. I might even want to write a book or two someday, the subject matter or form of writing is unclear to me right now, but I like reading and I like expressing my thoughts so the idea appeals to me. I suppose the freshest idea in my mind, I use the word fresh in the sense that it is most recently a subject matter that I have been thinking about because we discussed it in class, not fresh like “cool” as in “The fresh prince of belair” which was a great show. We discussed invention in class today and its importance because it is what we do when we write. The most appealing thing to me about this discussion was when it got to us talking about the different forms of writing and how criticism can, with certain forms of writing, ruin the writer’s self esteem or cause him to not write again. Authors spend mass amounts of time pouring themselves into their writings, and if people don’t like it, there is nothing they can do to redeem that work. The work in this case is almost like a child, a child that they are holding up in the air and asking “Is my child beautiful?” and honestly, not all babies are beautiful like my niece Sophie Lynn LaBelle, some look like aliens. Some look like monkeys. Point being, works of art are not always beautiful, which begs the question, “What is art?” I don’t know what art is, the lines between what is and isn’t is an endless debate that will never resolve itself, but I will say that if all creations that people put time into are considered “art” then it is inevitable that some will not hold to the standards of being “beautiful” or “meaningful”. On top of that, not everyone has the same skill set. It is necessary to find what it is that YOU are good at and stick to it, you will create something beautiful and meaningful as long as you know what you are capable of. Some people are good at music, some at painting, some at business, some at philosophy, one is not better than the other. We are all gifted with something, but a lot of time can be wasted trying to fulfill a need that you weren’t originally intended to fulfill. I can have feelings for something and pursue them as hard and as long as I want, it doesn’t mean that they will end up fulfilling my need. The idea of invention is meant to encourage others to invent in areas that they know how to invent, and this is what makes us unique. We all make beautiful things from nothing more than a little time, thought and work. A long time ago someone created the wheel, what will you create?
God works through us
I had a conversation with one of my friends a while ago and it just came back to me. I was picking the songs we were going to play for worship and the theme was being vulnerable with God. I asked him something along the lines of “How do you be vulnerable with God?” and he responded by saying that he believes that the vulnerability that we so often crave and need is through other people. This topic made me raise some questions. If God is all we need then why do I find myself craving the deep relationships with others? I initially thought that this need for deep relation with others was one of the many failed attempts we make to fulfill something that God is supposed to fulfill, but I find myself thinking otherwise now. I would say that 95 percent of my personal growth is due to one of two things: 1) Taking to heart things that my friends have said and 2) Talking with my friends about the things that I am thinking and/or struggling with (whether or not I received anything from the person verbally in return). I believe that these two things are the two sides to any good friendship from our vantage point. Example one shows the humble and respectful attitudes we are to have towards our fellow man and the need that they have to tell us things they believe to be true. Example two represents the other side, that of our need to share with others our struggles and what we are going through. These things form almost a circle in that example one for ME is example two for the other person and likewise example two for ME is example one for the other. And it has become clear to me after deep speculation that these things are necessary for me to be a healthy person. I find that if my friends are gone I feel depressed that I have nothing to invest in and no one to invest in me.
Now after considering these things I find myself thinking that the idea that I am to rely solely upon God (which is more of a fact that I know but that is not always confirmed in my experiences) and the fact that I experience most of my growth due to friendships to be two contradictory ideas, because by relying on my friends for growth I am putting them before God and not relying on him solely for growth even though the bible tells me that should be the case.
I have realized this is not so. Meaning the two ideas are not contradictory. God speaks to us through those around us most of the time. God is in all and is part of all that we experience. God is the one working through the person that I am learning from and is thus showing me that I need to rely on him. I am relying on him through my friends. There is still a fine line in this situation though. We can still absolutely put our friends above God by running to those around us whenever we have a problem or something to talk about. And there are some times when God is not speaking through our friends and there are times when we do not consider the idea that God is helping us through these relationships. I think this is when the other 5 percent comes into play. Those times when we are reading the bible and find something inspiring or are reading a book and an idea strikes us. But we must be very careful not to the run to the things that God has made so that he can speak to us as the sole inspiration for our lives. I find myself doing that a lot. I constantly have idols that I choose to consult over God even though those idols are supposed to be something God speaks through. C.S. Lewis is a perfect example of this. Many times I would much rather read one of his books over the Bible, and it is difficult for me to buckle down and consult God’s word, which is what a lot of Lewis’ works are based on.
I don’t know, I guess it’s a fine line and I always end up talking about something different by the time I am done writing. I should work on that. I hope you enjoyed this and it made you think
Desire and Freedom
I find myself in another place where I desire to do something so I shall write. What drives us to do anything? Desire. Desire to do anything. Desire to make our lives better, desire to pursue the things that we know we love, desire to love. I suppose that all of these are answers to my semi-rhetorical question to myself. I guess what I have desired the most lately is to be with my friends in a way that I have not been in a long time. I desire to know others, specifically my friends. But not just know them on a surface level, but really on a deep level. It’s interesting to me that I have this desire because I think it is almost a God complex in itself except for the fact that God knows us, I guess at this point it is more significant that God knows me. God knows me so well that he knows what I will do. It is almost an issue of free will at this point, which is interesting of its own accord. I think free will is a concept, a concept mind you, that we commonly misinterpret. It is a concept that has been debated over for centuries and I think I have settled on it in a manner that makes sense to me. Free will is a relative concept. The immediate example of this that I think of is my relationship with my niece when we were younger. My niece Rachel is four years younger than me and I remember being able to predict her behavior on many occasions. It was usually in the fights or arguments that we would have. I remember always knowing exactly what she would say in reaction to what I was said or would say. Does it this mean that she did not CHOOSE to say or do the things that she did? No. She still chose to do those things, but within the framework of her own mind and my knowledge of her as a person I was still able to predict what she would do and how she would react to me. Her actions were still her own free actions, though the outcome and her decisions were still known and predictable. I realize this is a bit of a poor analogy of free will simply because there is no possible way that I could actually know 100 percent that she would react that way, but in my mind I knew she would react that way she did, and she always did. So why would it be that if I can predict behavior in someone that I know well, and there exists (at least to believers, which is a whole different issue in iteself) a being that knows me better than I can possibly know anyone else that he would know exactly what I will do in all situations and thus be omniscient (at least in the sense that he knows what I will do). Does that mean that if I make a choice (choosing A over B, knowing the outcome of both A and B) and God knows the choice I will make, that I didn’t make the choice myself? No. I still made the choice and God knew I would make the choice. My will is still free because I was able to decide and God knew what I would decide, but he did not make me decide. If God made me decide the things I did, it would not make sense because I make a lot of stupid decisions which would clearly not be God’s will, because his will is that I do everything that is humble and beneficial to others. I clearly contradict God’s will all the time by doing stupid things that are not humble and beneficial to others, thus contradicting God’s will and showing I have a will of my own. BUT on the other hand we can be influenced by God (and I find myself to be influenced by Him all the time) to live out His will for my life. Oddly enough I ran all of my thoughts on this subject by my roommate Sean 5 minutes ago and he made me think of a great analogy for this portion of my thoughts. Free will is relative in that we experience it at our level, just as a dog or any lower creature (lower in the sense that a dog doesn’t experience the consciousness we do) experiences it at his (or her) level. If I know that my dog feels like playing a game I may throw a ball and I know the dog will run after it, seize it by his (or her) teeth and bring it back to me to throw it again. But the dog still sometimes will choose to not chase after the ball, due to whatever reasons a dog will sometimes not chase after a ball that is thrown. But my act of throwing the ball is still the catalyst that causes the dog to chase and get the ball when I do throw it. My will in that situation is that the dog would get the ball, and it because I threw the ball that the dog is faced with the decision to get it or not get it. The dog’s will will align with my will a lot of the time, but it won’t at other times, it doesn’t mean that my will is any different, it just means that I didn’t force him to obey my will, I simply provided a situation where he had the choice to align with my will. I think God’s will is much like this. Obviously there are some differences between my analogies and the actual situation with God, simply because there is no way I could grasp what God’s work and hand in my situation is, just like a dog only knows there is a ball flying in the air and that he has to decide to get it (align with the owner’s will) or not (make is his will different from the owner’s). But we are put in a unique situation to where we can truly start to know our “owner” and know what his will is and align with it. This is a truly unique and amazing situation we find ourselves in and it takes a deep desire to know God in order to know his will. And just as getting the ball for a dog fulfills his need for wanting to play or chase something or whatever a dog’s need is in that situation, God is able to fulfill us in our needs when we align ourselves with his will, and that is the beauty of having our own will.
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